Talk to your family – STOP the bullying!

First and foremost, PLEASE love each other. Second, talk to your children about bullying. Third, if you, yourself are a bully, stop it. NOW.  You have no idea how deeply your words can cut like a knife! Those wounds may not be visible, but oftentimes they last longer than anything physical ever could…

This morning all of the parents of my daughter’s middle school received an email that the school had been informed by police that an 8^th grade student had died. They gave the name of the boy, but did not release the cause.  I work with another parent of another middle-schooler and we were both shaken from this news, not knowing the person ourselves but imagining what the parents and family and friends must be going through to lose someone so young!

A little while later I got a text from Morrin’s boyfriend letting me know that she was very upset and wanted to come home. He told me that it was a good friend of his and that he had committed suicide. When I picked her up, it was all I could do to not suffocate her with hugs and kisses while I led her out to the car; her puffy eyes looked so tired and sad. She just turned to me and said “Mom, I just can’t cry anymore; my eyes are dry and they hurt,” she croaked as her lip trembled.  As it turns out, she had told me about this young man on several occasions and bragged about how nice he was and that had offered to help her with her homework before they even knew each other.

He had apparently taken his own life after being bullied by students because he was openly bisexual. Their close circle of friends didn’t care and were supportive of his decision to be himself rather than pretending to be someone else, but it didn’t go far beyond that.  She has been telling me about what some of the other kids were saying immediately after the announcement and I am sick with the reminder of just how cruel kids can be. One comment was “Well, one less gay, right?” and another boy just laughed. That one got his ass kicked. Not that I condone violence, but maybe he’ll think again before being such an insensitive little prick…

She is beside herself with grief right now and has been telling me about all of the people who were with her in the library that were all very much affected by his death. Students and teachers alike, he was loved by so many! She told me about all of the strangers that she had just hugged and held while they offered each other comfort in a time of such dreadful despair.

I wonder, if he had known how many cared for him and would be affected by his death, if he still would have felt that there was no way out? Were there “warning signs” that he was contemplating suicide? Morrin said that someone called the police and told them that they heard him talking about doing it. Did they call right away or had he mentioned it more than once? Did the police react right away? So many questions that may have to go unanswered – forever.

This is a true tragedy, and sadly it is becoming more and more common with kids in this age group; a fact that scares the shit out of me with two girls this age! I have to be on constant alert of the way that they act, speak about themselves and others, and whether they are engaging as usual or if there are changes that I should pick on. I believe them to be fairly happy “normal” (yeah right – not with me as a parent) kids with lots of friends. But, from what I am told, so was this boy. So what do we look for, as parents, to make sure that we really know what is going on with our kids? To make sure that we don’t get the same news about our kids or that, God forbid, they were one of the people who bullied and pushed someone else to the point of no longer wanting to deal?

My heart is breaking a little more with every tear of hers that I wipe away and every shudder of her body as I hold her close and try to console her.  She is asleep for a bit and that is allowing me relieve some of my own grief with this post.

Bullying is not something that simply goes away. Whether you think your kid can “handle it” or not, it still needs to be discussed and if they are being harassed you need to do something to show your support and not add to their stress. Build a trust with them so they know that they can come to you with anything! Please!! Encourage them to speak up about others who they feel are being bullied; I don’t know all of the facts about this particular situation, but surely someone knew something!?!  As uncomfortable as some topics may make you, it takes courage to approach a parent about many things. They need to know that you’re not going to brush them aside or blow things out of proportion. Most importantly, let them know on a daily basis how much you love them and hug them often. No matter what.

Please note: This post is not intended to be a factual account of events, as I am getting most of my information from grieving teenagers who just lost someone they love. The purpose of this post is a statement of how it is affecting my family at this moment and most importantly, as an urging to parents to engage with their children on a regular basis. Bullying is a real problem that has been around forever; ignoring does not make it go away and speaking out could save a life.

The things we sacrifice… Bye-bye Facebook

Contrary to the frigid cold temps we have been subjected to over the past couple of months, spring is almost upon us and I couldn’t be more excited!! But not  I’m ready… That’s right, I said it and no, I’m not losing it. That implies I had it to lose! 😉

I’m ready in the sense that I can’t wait to be able to step outside without the fear of my nostrils freezing up and having my lungs crystallize; ready to wear sandals and lighter pants or even – gasp – a sundress. I can’t wait for warmer weather and an absence of snow, to the point that I am seriously looking at plots of land in South Carolina as a potential for the near-ish future. However… The part that I am most excited about, I happen to also be the least ready for – my wonderous garden of ever-bearing abundance!! (Unofficially)

This will be the first year that we have a back yard large enough to plant what we want to grow and have enough to preserve for the next year and I’m already feeling a bit behind. I’ve never had a large garden, canned anything, or actually attempted to harvest more than the few plants we were able to cultivate in our precious little 4′ x 6′ raised bed we had at the apartment last year. This year I plan to can, freeze, and dehydrate everything I can. This way I know what we are eating and “natural flavors” will not be on the menu! It will also allow for us to reduce our costs over the year for things like diced tomatoes (which I use a TON of), salsas, relishes, pickles and so many other things that I haven’t even discovered yet. My Pinterest boards have been on FIRE!!!

It all sounds great, right? Yes. Aside from the fact that I have constant distractions (Facebook) pulling my focus away from the current happenings in my household as well as planning a method to my green-thumbed madness. Recently I have become increasingly aware of how much time I spend looking at Facebook; other social media sites get some attention as well, but it is the book of face that has me constantly captivated. Scrolling, trolling, stalking but rarely posting anything.

What’s the point?!? Yes, I am able to keep up with my family and friends that I might otherwise never keep in touch because time doesn’t allow; I see the photos of my friends’ new babies or their posts of baby bumps and all I want to do is invite myself over to cuddle! Those are the things I love about social media. I have mostly very upbeat, positive people on my feed. However, the ones that occasional post things that just throw me off for my day (I know I shouldn’t let it get to me but sometimes I get caught off guard) have nearly pushed me beyond the point of no return lately. Not to mention that I am so much less productive looking at cat memes and somecards than I would be if expending my energy nearly anywhere else! The name of this blog doesn’t mention shiny objects for nothing, ok? I get off track easily and sometimes I derail so far that I completely forget that I was doing important stuff, like helping with homework or cooking dinner. Yeah. Thankfully our smoke alarms are in good working order.

Which brings me to the purpose of this post… Facebook and I are going on a “break” for awhile. At least for the month of March. I have not decided if I am going to deactivate it or just delete the app from my phone. After all, if there is someone who I really need to contact and have dropped my iPhone into the fires of Mordor and lost all of my contact information, I don’t want to bother with reactivating. In case you’re worried about withdrawal (which I am a little bit), I did a test run yesterday. It was a lazy Sunday for us since we were running from 5am Saturday until after 1am Sunday and I decided three things when I woke up Sunday morning. One, I wasn’t leaving the house; Two, I wasn’t going to get out of my pajamas, and three, I wasn’t going to look at Facebook. Unfortunately number three was decided AFTER scrolling listlessly through my newsfeed for 20 minutes waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. Once I realized how much time I had already wasted I knew I’d had enough. I put my phone away, closed the tab on the laptop and vowed not to go back.

It was much like when I stopped smoking cigarettes, to be honest. I kept finding myself reaching for my phone; putting in my code to unlock it and going for that blue button that would give me what I was craving. When I smoked, the car was the prime time to light up; for Facebook, it’s the bathroom. (How did we ever poop without cell phones?) Each time I was able to stop myself and do a bit of self-scolding to remind me that it wasn’t a need and went about the rest of my day. I spent the majority of my day reading a seed catalog and researching varieties of tomatoes, peppers, and eggplants to decide what I will plant, if I’ll start them from seed, and what to do with my harvest once it comes. Sound boring? Yeah, well so does spending the day on Facebook and social media isn’t putting food on the table, so nah-nah-nah-nah-boo-boo. (childish, yes… satisfying? oh yeah!)

So for the remainder of this month (starting on Wednesday) I’ll be free of the throngs of social media and fully immersed in planning my garden, spending time with my family, and working on honing my writing skills. Did I mention that I’m writing two books right now? The girls and I are collaborating on one, and I started another yesterday during my seed catalog down time! I was able to put out quite a bit yesterday and as soon as the girls go to be tonight I’ll go back to work! Who knows? Maybe I’ll be so satisfied by my productivity that I’ll extend my Facebook sabbatical through April… Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves, shall we?